May 2026
I went to New Orleans recently for a work trip. My students conducted themselves wonderfully at the conference, delivering their essays, answering and asking questions, and navigating a big city and conference venue with poise. I was proud of them.
But travel weeks are also hard. They don’t happen very often for me, once or twice a year, but when they do, making sure my family has everything they need and that everything will continue as it should is a challenge. I wrote out a detailed schedule of daily activities and notes, I made a plan for meals, and I made sure everyone had plenty of clean clothes. Leading up to the conference, Ben could tell I was nervous and assured me they would be fine. “We’ll all still be alive when you get home” he promised.
That’s when it dawned on me.
Despite the fact my family needs me, sometimes I assume that everything rests fully on me and if I don’t take care of things, everything will fall apart.
But if I’m honest, this is really a form of pride, this belief that I alone can sustain my family.
That is not to say mamas don’t have a special role in making houses homes. My first evening away, the students I was sitting with for dinner all shared stories of what it was like for them when their mom left for a bit and they were left with their dad to handle the home front. They told funny stories of things like their dad never opening the blinds, opting to sit in a darkened house, or their dad never serving a vegetable. Everyone seemed to have some recognition of the reality that when mom is gone, things function differently.
And this recognition of the ways women are gifted with nurturing and organization skills that help children feel safe and comfortable and husbands feel welcomed is not something I’d ever argue against. Though there are times it is frustrating to see everyone in the house walk past messes that need cleaned, it also feels good to be needed and to know that when we are gone, our impact is felt.
Yet, this also makes it hard to leave, hence my nervousness. Being a working homemaker requires a lot of nuance, a lot of balance. Yet lately I’ve preferred the word harmony. When I was with my students at the national conference, work had the melody that week. There were times I felt guilty about this; there were times I felt homesick, and there were also times where I greatly enjoyed watching my students shine and I relished listening to keynote speakers talk about their love of writing and books.
Yet most of the time, I do my very best to create ample space for my employment to harmonize with the needs of my family, ranging from my work hours to the level of job stress to time off. But the thing about harmony is that it’s dynamic, a song composed of the same notes repeated through the same refrain would be monotonous. As our families grow and our involvement and careers mature, the song changes, and so too must the way we learn to harmonize grow.
I would probably find it more comforting to know that what works now will always work, but that would also be rather dull. When I look back at where I am now as a working mom compared to where I was as a new mom with my first baby, I can see ways I’ve grown into freedom. I’ve moved from someone who was guilt ridden to go into the office for a full day to someone who realizes their daddy can handle things for 5 days while I’m gone.
I missed them while I was away, but I knew I married a competent man who, in contrast to all the sitcoms that show the dad as comic relief, can parent his children well. I also hope I’m raising my children to learn responsibility, being able to navigate little steps toward autonomy that will serve them well not only when I am briefly away but ultimately when they are the ones stepping away onto their next phase.
Now, that doesn’t mean my trip next year will not also be accompanied with some worries – this is part of what it is to have children, little pieces of our hearts that we hold tightly but also learn to share. It’s a reminder of ways we are all connected in this experience of wanting to be present but also living through moments when we can’t be.
Even those who don’t have work trips must navigate if and when it’s ok to leave for a night or longer, perhaps for a getaway or to assist someone in need. That fine line of prioritizing our sacred role in the home but resisting the vanity of assuming it will all crumble if we briefly step away is one many of us may be searching to find.
This is part of a mother’s experience. Gloria Steinem noted in 1975, “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” And she may not be wrong; even 50 years later, it remains a fundamentally woman-centered concern. I would push back some on the idea that fathering well doesn’t also require an ability to prioritize and do some juggling. But moms especially tend to feel the tug.
I can’t help but wonder about the Proverbs 31 woman. As she planted her vineyard, participated in profitable trade, served the poor, and sold linen garments, did she ever feel the tension?
Perhaps there were also moments where the virtuous woman’s outward ventures carried the melody.
Yet overall, I am certain she strove for a harmony in which her home-life flourished amidst her other enterprises. Her husband, children, and home were the driving force tempering all other decisions, and it was because of this that “her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” Despite her varied vocations, “she watches over the affairs of her household.” (Proverbs 31:28 & 27)
It’s a lot to live up to. You sure won’t see me wearing a “Proverbs 31 woman” t shirt. It’s a high bar, but it’s good to know what we should be striving for. A woman who knows what she is about, embraces her responsibilities with care, but lets guilt have no place at her table.
So if you, like many of us, find yourself trying to navigate multiple things : working, volunteering, doing outreach/ministry, whatever it may be, and you can’t be at EVERY end of the year school event or game or fill in the blank with your family’s own set of crazy, maybe just try to remember that harmonizing is about the ebb and flow.
The melody of a song typically oscillates between various notes and, at times, even between the right hand and the left, just as some weeks or phases may require more attention outside the home. But overall, just as most piano melodies are carried by the right hand, so too must our homes be given the place of honor.
As soon as I got back from my trip, I was knee deep in laundry and tears and cluttered counters. But it was ok. It’s where I belong, and it’s such a gift to have a household to watch over.
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